Some thoughts about being sober

[catherineldf]

This is not an easy thing for me to write about but it's been coming up from time to time so this seems as good a time as any to write about it.
I got sober somewhere in the neighborhood of 14 years ago - no more alcohol beyond my yearly glass of wine, no more exotic chemical substances since. It should be noted that prior to embracing life in all of its agonizing clarity, I had a close and intimate relationship with any number of chemicals, including alcohol. I did a lot of things I wasn't terribly proud of in the light of day, some of them of the life-threatening, friendship-threatening variety. I also had blackouts and absolutely killer migraines. Not all the time, mind you, and not as much in my later twenties, but enough.

Most of the people I knew in high school and college and afterward, friends and family alike, drank to excess. We hung out in bars much of the time. It was a social thing you did while you hung out with your buddies and everyone, without exception, drank. I worked at a bar for awhile as well as working as a professional archaeologist, both of which lend themselves to an awful lot of drinking. I went to graduate school and found a similar environment.I'd say that alcohol was American social glue, but I've lived in other countries and found a social scene like this there too.

Then one day our chiropractor figured out that alcohol was one of my migraine triggers. My body was, in fact, trying to tell my head something but it took its time getting through. Armed with the new info, I stopped drinking. No more regular happy hours or keg parties (I was a little old for these by then) or wine tastings. By then, my friends and family had all either gotten sober, come to dire ends or been switched out of my life for people for whom drinking wasn't that big of a deal. It ceased to be a big social thing and the whole notion of drinking alcohol lost its appeal for me.

Honestly, these days I don't think about being sober all that much except when I'm out somewhere and everyone else is drinking and one of those folks is bothered by the fact that I'm not joining in. They're not doing it to be mean-spirited, but my sobriety hits some insecurity that they're dealing with and they get nervous about it. Or, my personal favorite, I discover that not drinking is so alien to them that the only thing in the house to drink that's not booze is tap water (I've been to parties and even restaurants like this. Really.).And then they're freaked out because I won't just have a drink with everyone else since you know, it's what they'd do. The other time it's an issue is when I'm hanging out with friends who I like sober but not so much when they've tied one on. I come by when everyone's brain is all there, and leave when they begin to check out.

All three scenarios impact my friendships with these people. I'm not willing to get too close because I simply can't relate to what they need to get through the day or a conversation or a convention weekend. It's not my crutch any more and frankly most people don't get more interesting when they're drunk. It doesn't mean I won't hang out with them, just that I'd enjoy that time more if they didn't worry about whether or not I'm drinking with them and were genuinely okay with my choice (as, BTW, the vast majority of folks I know are).

If you know me now, you wouldn't have liked me back when I was drinking anyway. Trust me, I was there. More or less.

Comments

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

embracing life in all of its agonizing clarity

Beautiful.

I enjoyed seeing you so much Wednesday. I didn't touch a drop for more than ten years, so I am VERY VERY familiar with the discomfort that so many people have with non-drinkers. I'm sorry (if) that happened this week.

[catherineldf.livejournal.com]

I had a lovely time hanging out and look forward to doing it again soon. :-)
I'm sorting through some stuff here and strongly suspect I'll end up working with a bit more. It's that sort "Omigosh, there are patterns here!" sort of moment on the keyboard that's happening.

[lynnejamneck.livejournal.com]

I've never been able to stand the feeling of being drunk, with the result that I never have more than three, four drinks max at a time. But in the past I have had my fair share of reality-altering substances, and while I would never, ever want to change one thing about the life I have led so far, I do every so often get annoyed by the fact that I now have issues with panic and anxiety, underlying issues I've had since I was a kid and was likely made worse by ze chemicals. However, I do believe that those chemicals have given me some unique perspectives on life, and my views and perspectives are some of the things I cherish most.

I'm so sober these days—sometimes I feel nothing short of dull. I used to drink 6-8 cups of coffee a day. I now have 2 max, and never after 3 in the afternoon. I've quit smoking (everything), though every so often I will accept a cigarette in a social situation, only because I know that I have overcome the craving and won't sneak out when Jen's asleep to get some from the dairy down the road.

Yea, people who drink seem to want to force you into drinking when you are in their company. I'm lucky; I seem to have a built-in bullshit reactor to peer pressure, so I always just say "no thanks" if I'm past my limit. It doesn’t bother me to say no to alcohol, but it does seem to be a problem for some people, even if they're not hard drinkers. Someone offers you a drink and the inclination seems to be that you cannot NOT accept. I generally find drunk people anywhere from extremely boring to extremely annoying. They repeat things ad infinitum. My time is precious and I can't afford to listen to something more than once (unless I ask to hear it again, but that's my choice). I can’t really say that I have had stimulating or thought provoking conversations with people smashed on alcohol. People high on LSD, sure. But that's another conversation altogether.

[catherineldf.livejournal.com]

I guess this rules out me turning up on your doorstep for a night of hitting the pubs, eh? :-)

[lynnejamneck.livejournal.com]

Ha! Knew you'd say that! Somehow I think your conversations will be more interesting. Most people I know who live in the same city as me are not writers. The conversations just go in different directions.

[gavinatlas.livejournal.com]

::Hug:: I can't have alcohol either. I'll come hang out with you and we can critique the tap water.

[catherineldf.livejournal.com]

Sounds great! :-)
Now we just have to figure out how to be in the same city at the same time...