catherineldf | Entries tagged with personal post

My wife, book artist/bookbinder/book conservator, Jana Pullman died last Monday night (2/10/25) after a 4 year
struggle with frontotemporal dementia. We met at women’s
country-western line dancing in 1995 at the Unitarian Universalist Society in Iowa City, Iowa, when she came to town to work at the U of Iowa Papermaking Lab (now part of the U of Iowa Center for the Book) and I was still running Grassroots Books. We had our first official date on January 15th, 1996 at a women’s basketball game and moved in together a few months later. We moved to Minneapolis in 1997, but returned to Iowa City to get married on September 22, 2009. Poet John Calvin Rezmerski presided over our ceremony and multiple friends attended. We threw a big party at Minnehaha Falls when we got back to Minneapolis.

In the 25+ (it’s hard to count the last 4) years that we were together, she taught me a lot about asking for what I wanted, negotiating consent, honest communication and an appreciation of craft. She encouraged me to write my first articles and stories and my novels. She encouraged me to start Queen of Swords Press. We travelled a lot around the Midwest, to the East Coast and the West, to New Zealand, France, Italy, England, Wales, Iceland, Finland and Sweden. We attended a zillion art openings, concerts and art events of all kinds, made and lost and made new friends and explored the world around us. We were amongst the co-founders of the Iowa Women’s Music Festival and between us, ran 5 small businesses, all of them book-related. She did a ton of direct care for my mother when Mom’s health failed and she developed dementia. She was an unfailingly kind, smart, creative soul who loved teaching others.

She was also pretty terrible with credit cards, money and most things business-related. I spent years digging her out of debt and subsidizing the creation of expensive art, mostly bindings, that she could not sell or figure out what to do with. She was loved by her students and many of her colleagues, but not, I think, as well respected as she should have been. She was endlessly passed over for arts grants and positions that went to other folks with a bit more social polish. Her work would end up on the bottom of display cases at shows where you couldn’t see the detail (most recently last year - which I’m still pissed about). I had to work my own connections to get her nominated for Minnesota Book Artist of the Year, which she eventually won after several tries in 2013. She also won several other awards and had bindings in a ton of shows and collections, so it wasn’t all dire, but it was frustrating seeing her work so hard and then not see that work celebrated or appreciated as much as I thought it should have been.

She was a very good teacher and her students remember her very fondly. She mentored other artists and was an excellent ambassador for book arts. She was a great dancer and we used to go out a lot dancing in our early years. She was curious and engaged in wonderful ways and she worked hard to make our house a home. And she loved books, both as objects and as a way to learn.

Which made the last 4+ years of living with her dementia even more heartbreaking. I am not a great caregiver, but thanks to pandemic lockdown, we were stuck with each other with not a lot of external support and it took a huge toll on both of us and our relationship. It took me 2 years to get her care funded so I was constantly stressed and exhausted about money and her and keeping track of her and trying to keep all the financial balls in the air. It got harder and harder and I know she felt abandoned when I moved her to memory care last year.

I miss who she was and this was not how I wanted to grow old. I also hate that I have to feel relived that she died now and not after May, when she would have turned 65 and I would have had to start the funding quest all over again under even more adverse circumstances. Welcome to Mixed Feels 2025. At any rate, if you knew her, please celebrate who she was.

Here are a few links to interviews, articles and her art:

Jana’s blog - http://aboutthebinding.blogspot.com/?m=1

Bookbinding Interview - https://koutsipetsidis.wordpress.com/2017/02/06/interview-jana-pullman/

Interview with Betty Bright - https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5e9723fda3e12a1b3aa9089b/t/67457a234574c8649b0bd69b/1732606499658/Jana+Pullman+Final+Transcription.pdf

I do have most of her bindings and they are for sale as the remaining boxes and journals from her Etsy, some tools and materials and more. Contact me for prices/availability. I don’t have a memorial fund of any kind set up for her but am open to discussing it. I know it’s expected, but I’m kind of overwhelmed right now. I cleaned out her room with the help of friends on Friday, then met with the Cremation Society on Saturday and despite being pretty much on top of things, there’s still a LOT to deal with. Hugs to all of you who miss her too. Official obituary to follow.

Okay, I'm not recovered from it either, but we aren't going to get a lot of recovery time, so here's a few thinky thoughts about the situation we are entering/will be enduring for the next while, however long that may be: I shall borrow a phrase from my friend, writer Cindy Potts: "Be hard to kill." I like, it covers a lot of ground and is very succinct. What follows are some of my own thoughts as an old eighties queer on how to go about doing that.

Identify your friends and allies. Try to stick with folks you're reasonably sure of, people who you've been able to trust in the past. If you have an option to avoid people in your life who think last week's events are a swell idea for any reason, do so. If not, protect yourself as much as you can. That can be through skipping holiday visits, being temporarily closeted or just not confiding in people who clearly do not have your best interests at heart.
Is there an offline mutual aid organization in your area? I like Buy Nothing, but it's entirely dependent on Facebook so I will want to look at other options: food banks, skill shares, maker's studios, fix-it clinics, etc. I'm going to want to do what I can to support them through donations, etc. now while I'm working.
Skills and resources assessment - what do you have and know how to do that you can share and trade with others in your community? That can be anything from sewing skills to food preservation to living space, carpentry and beyond. Build up or join existing local networks if possible. Barter and analog are useful things.
Needs assessment - what do you need? What would you need if, say, you were sick or out of work for a time or had to make a significant life change of some sort (location, job, etc.)? Your planning is not going to cover everything (honestly, nothing does), but give it some thought and start working on as much of a list as you can handle. I've spent a lot of my working life working temporary or fancy temporary (contract) gigs and have been through a number of "economic downturns" so I'm accustomed to things ending abruptly sometimes or changing a lot. Whenever things look uncertain, I stockpile nonperishables and start prepping: canned and dried food, nuts, soup mixes, rice, tea, soap, furnace filters, toothpaste, etc. Get your vaccines and address whatever health care needs you can now. Get a first aid kit. Take care of whatever you can attend to that might be an issue if, say, car parts or electronics, are difficult to find or very expensive to replace.
Money - cash on hand is very useful, emergency savings are very useful and reduced debt makes you less vulnerable. Plan for what you can, but be realistic. Unless you normally have months of living expenses saved, you're not going to be able to come up with it in the next month and change. But if you can manage to get a holiday side gig for some extra cash, this might be the year to do it.
If you can spare money to help local organizations and people in your life at the moment, do it now. The stronger our communities are, the more likely we are to make it through this. Donate, volunteer, etc. as you are able.
Do not beat yourself up for what you can't do. None of this is easy or simple. This is where the networks and skill sharing comes in handy. Find joy whenever and wherever you can and help others to the extent that you can - this is what helps keep you and your loved ones going.

I know, not a particularly cheerful post, but hopefully a somewhat useful one. Now I'm going to go write for a bit and veg out before bed. Also, if you're local to me, I'm hosting a Swedish Death Cleaning sale/giveaway/open house on 11/30; let me know if you want to come and need details. Hugs all around.

This was not what you would call a "fun" year for me personally. What follows is a serious downer in all sense of the term and contains more than you may want to read about dementia.( Read more... )We started the year with Jana going on an errand in St. Paul at the tale end of New Year's weekend, sundowning (the kind of general confusion that people with dementia have in the late afternoon and evening) and driving into the hinterlands. She drove through part of someone's corn field (more or less fortunately, it was wicked cold and frozen solid, so no damage done) and getting stuck in someone else's ditch. They called the local police and the one guy on duty in the nearest town showed up. He thought she had a head injury so he got her into his cruiser, seeing as it was well below zero, and got her to answer the phone and talk to me. I wrangled my friend in the more or less nearby town to drive out and sit with her while I got to play phone tag with various in town friends who might have been inclined to drive me out to the wilds of eastern MN on a rescue mission on a Sunday night in the freezing cold. I know a lot of people who spend their holidays in Iowa, just saying. 3rd time was the charm, and Gaea, who really doesn't know me well, leapt forward to help out. J was an hour's drive away, the zipper on my coat busted in the middle of getting into her car, G's headlight burnt out - it was all very exciting. But we eventually got there and the cop, who was as nice as it was possible to be under the circumstances, helped me get a tow truck to retrieve Jana's car. He did report it and her license was tagged, as was right and appropriate; she had been driving earlier in the day before then and did just fine in familiar territory, but apparently those days were done. At any rate, rescued the car and Jana and got them both home (and thanked awesome friends a lot).

Then we had about 2 months of wrangling over her not being able to drive, me hiding the car keys, her finding the car keys and taking the car anyway, etc. At any rate, got what had been her car checked out and tuned up, then worked with another friend to find a buyer for it. Sold it in April, which left her kind of heartbroken because she was aware enough to know that meant no more driving to teach workshops, etc.

There followed months of essentially living with the most obnoxious 8 year old on the planet, constantly bugging me to take her places while I juggled my full time work at home IT contracting gig, which was not a lot of fun, my insane event schedule (see last post), writing, editing, etc. She goes to bed super earlier and is not a lot of fun to have out and about since she no longer remembers most of what she used to like so it makes it hard to socializing (along with the Rona). She kept declining all summer while I got friends to take her out occasionally and a neighbor to come by and take a "class" with her.

Unrelated, but in July, a friend and I got carjacked at gunpoint on our street, which was a whole other piece of "fun." They took my friend's car and both of our phones. He got the car back but the loss of the cash and phones was a definite blow.

By August, it became apparent relying on friends to have enough free time to take Jana places going to work any more, at least not consistently...at which point, the company renting my services decided to cut me loose 2 months early, right before we were scheduled to go to Worldcon in Chicago by train. More assistance from friends and we made it and had a decent time (big shoutout to the folks who helped on that one!).

Wacky hijinx ensued on the way back, but we got rescued by yet another friend (are you starting to see a pattern here?). I scrambled and found another at home contracting IT job that started in October, found her a Personal Care Attendant (PCA) who does companion care (they hang out with your deteriorating loved one and give you a break, among other things), hired a local company to help me navigate the joys of the various systemic problems when your spouse develops something hideous and chronic and hired an eldercare attorney to help with matters financial. I had applied for regular Social Security rather then Disability because I knew she'd get turned down for the latter and I just don't have time to mess around. That started right around the point I got laid off. Which was nice, but doesn't amount to much since J was a self-employed artiste when she was working and is only 62.

So here we are. I would say she's closer to a 5 year old level now. I'm wrangling our finances toward getting ready for spend down - this is when you reduce someone's assets down to the point where they qualify for Medicaid, something we will need because if she has to go into memory care, it starts at around $8k a month if you're paying out of pocket and that's not including the other bills. Her health problems are beginning to get more pronounced and I'm having trouble herding her. I did manage to find a foot care nurse who does house calls, so that was a splendid win. And, as with the PCA, the lawyer, the company that helps me, our monthly house cleaner, all out of pocket. Her family is deeply religious and lives in another state, but they have been sending the occasional check, which is honestly more than I ever expected of them.

What's up for 2023? I'm trying to do the vast majority of the bread winning, the transportation, the cooking, coordinating everything, running the press, teaching and writing. It is, of course, not working and I am rapidly running out of Catherine, so I'm trying to figure out paths forward that don't involve me giving up things I love or things I fear (in which we go live in the car) and it's very grueling. I need to do the next level of planning for the inevitable, which is hard on many, many levels so some projects will have to go on hold or get canceled. I spent 8 years watching my mother decline so I won't say this was a surprise. Before it became obvious that the same thing was happening to Jana, I had seriously contemplated getting a divorce (which may now happen for financial reasons) but Mom kept having crises and that ate all the available emotional bandwidth so here we are. I am not suited to caregiving and I recognize it every single week and it sucks.

I will say that what you hear about finding out who your friends are when the chips are down is pretty damn accurate. Jana was never great about maintaining friendships and most of her colleagues and friends vanished early on. A few stuck around and my friends have been awesome. Some of them take her out on expeditions or come over for meals or help sell her work and the tools she can't use anymore or take me out for meals and let me freak out. Friends, acquaintances and even complete strangers have helped me keep the press afloat by buying books, recommending books, supporting the Patreon, buying Jana's work on Etsy, rescue missions and a whole bunch of other things and I appreciate it so much. My assistant, Alexa, and intern Annie (and her family) have helped out a huge amount with Queen of Swords Press projects and my authors have helped with events too. Jennie took on extra teaching planning and she, Heather and Michael have all worked tables either with me or with our books. I can say quite honestly that I would not have made it through this year without all this help.

At any rate, more bulletins and updates as I have them and thanks for sticking with me/us.

It has been a full week. I'm finally starting to come out of my mental fog of recent weeks enough to recognize that I was very, very run down. I'm by no means caught up with much of anything, but I'm making progress and am giving myself regular breaks, which helps. I'm still fretting about being unemployed and not getting everything done, but so it goes.
Since last Wednesday or so, I:

Went to Rush River Produce for the annual picking of the blueberries. We got 5 pounds of really tasty ones, which are now in the freezer and will get used over the coming months.
Had 2 job interviews on Friday. One may result in a job offer if the manager can get funding (I'd be replacing a friend who got moved to another position) soon, the other one I thought was okay, but had some issues. So, naturally, I got a call back for that one and have interview 2 tomorrow. No word on the one I was hoping to get called back for so I suppose I need to let it go.
Went to the Midtown Farmer's Market on Saturday and ran into friends I haven't seen in months and months. Had a lengthy chat and got pesto fixings, which is what I did when I went home.
Grabbed lunch at a taco truck on Lake Street and went to the Twin Cities Antiquarian Book Fair. It was odd, as I expected, but I ran into some people and Greg from DreamHaven gave me a book. And Patrick Coleman to drop off my latest titles for the Catherine Lundoff collection at the MN Historical Society this week before he retires so that's another thing on the list. Really nice to see him and hope retirement treats him well.
Had dinner at the Riverview Wine Bar during an unexpected Machinery Hill concert and barely got to eat before going to "Black Widow" at the Riv. Enjoyed all of it! Except for that end credits scene which just reminded me of how badly the MCU failed her character. So maybe skip that part if you share my sentiments.
Worked on my Teachable class, recorded a short reading for the Queen of Swords Press Patreon, pulled together some bonus material for Scarlet Ferret Books (small indie U.K. ebook store that carries CInrak and is adding Silver Moon), worked on my next Sherlock Holmes story and my next novel in progress chapter, worked on edits and promo and so forth.
Went to Lark Toys in Kellogg, Fair Trade Books in Red Wing and other fun spots on Sunday with Matt. Made a veggie stirfry when we got back and we all watched "Cast a Deadly Spell," an early HBO Lovecraftian noir flick. Found the premise interesting, but some things really do not hold up well.
Doing a reading at Strong Women, Strange Worlds tomorrow night (see pinned post for links) and supporting Alex at Madame Askew's Virtual Steampunk Book Club this Sunday (link above).
Yard work and sundries! This included selling off the expandable ladder that we don't use and giving away an ancient craft tent that I found in the back of the garage.

Off to go finish a few things before calling it a night.

I have been unemployed exactly 2 weeks. Am I caught up? No. Have I made progress? Yes. Do I still have miles to go before I sleep, as it were? Definitely. Everything always takes longer than I think it will, the Catherine Motto.
Accomplished since last week:

Learned to make soft pretzels. This was fun and kind of futsy.
Attended 2 different seminars, one on small business organizing though Dream Foundry and the other on content marketing through the Minnesota Book Publisher's Roundtable.
Applied for our Minnesota political donation refund (this is a thing here).
Got unemployment sorted so I can actually collect some for a bit. It ain't much so I'll have to come up with other plans soon so as not to drain all our resources.
Followed up on and got dates for my upcoming Springboard for the Arts workshop and set up a meeting with Cat Rambo to start the process to record some of my classes and make them on-demand.
Dropped off donations at Free Geek.
Drafted a Queen of Swords Press Kickstarter for recording audio books and sent it out for review.
Finished a new chapter of my novel for Patreon, wrote most of a new story draft (due next month), started another new story and followed up on a fiction project that we dropped the ball on at the end of last year.
Elise Matthesen made some glorious jewelry and sent me part of the proceeds for Queen of Swords Press. They sold instantly, but here's the pendant and the earrings. (Please buy Elise's other jewelry too!)
Saw a bunch of lovely people sign up for the Patreon. I normally channel part of each of my paychecks into the Press to give us operating capital and keep things stable between big sales, promos and other things that give us a boost; we still have months where we have less than $100 coming in so the Patreon and our Ko-fi help us weather those months as well as helping us do wacky things like some advertising, etc. If we can get to $200 or more on the Patreon, we would be reasonably stable. If we could get to $300 a month, all our baseline expenses would be covered, we could take on new titles, etc. And pay me my royalties, which otherwise get channeled into the Press. Big shoutout of gratitude for everyone who's supported us so far!
Dusted and decluttered the dining room.
Sent my watch to be repaired.
Read submissions and Melissa Scott's forthcoming novel, Water Horse, which I'll be blurbing. Finished reading and blurbing Juliette Wade's Transgressions of Power.
Wrote part of my friend Dave Christensen's obituary.
Got my profile set up for the Professional Editor's Network - I'm unofficially open for small editing projects, publishing coaching, etc. I should have more detail and price list up on my website by next week.
Talked to a recruiter and began following up on jobs that people told me about.

Now back to the grindstone. I haven't managed to deal with healthcare yet, so that's a big stressor right now. Gotta dive back in and tackle that next.

It has been two weeks since I got laid off. During that time, I have talked to a couple of people about jobs and have a preliminary interview next week, right before I go out of town to Madison to do a talk on small press publishing at A Room of One's Own. I've also done some writing, submitted a reprint and submitted a new writing workshop proposal (it's already been accepted - more info coming soon). I added a new page for workshops and presentations on my website, if you are interested in what I do in this arena and/or would like to sign up for a class, invite me to teach, etc. I also wrote an article draft, followed up on a bunch of events and did some house stuff. Tonight, I'll be speaking to the Ampersand Club at DreamHaven Books about running a small press and what goes on in contemporary book publishing. Should be fun!

Also, socializing! So far, I've seen Terminator: Dark Fate and Harriet and liked both of them quite a bit; if you're looking for complex female characters in your movies, these are good choices. The bad reviews are mostly pretty questionable. We also had some friends over for tea so I could try out my new teapot: it is splendid, in case you were wondering. I've also been to dinner with people I haven't seen for a while, attended a culinary benefit for the American Indian College Fund as my friend's guest (the food was all indigenous to Minnesota and was amazing!), went to the Twin Cities Horror Festival and attended a MN Publisher's Roundtable luncheon (I'm a member but their events are always during the day). Friday night, I'll be going to the Gothic Novels event at the Ramsey House, Saturday to the Minnesota African American Heritage Museum and Gallery and Sunday to the MIA for "Strong Women, Full of Love," a photo show on lesbian and queer women in the women's land movement. Then a Midwest Independent Publisher's Association meeting on Tuesday, maybe the CD release party for Bad September at the Amsterdam and then on to Madison for the aforementioned talk, followed by TeslaCon.

So do I actually need help? Well, some of this stuff was already in the pipeline and paid for, some of it friends are treating me to, some of it is free and some of it is that my ex-day job is still paying me. That will end within a few weeks, at which point I'll have to contemplate how to pay for our insurance, etc. Queen of Swords had a slow couple of months back in July-August (which is the money that is coming in now) so that requires subsidies, which come from my savings. In addition, I dropped $20k on a new furnace and central air, in July/August, both of which were much needed, but timing was not great in Layoff Landia. Are things dire? No, not yet. Are things stressful? Not too bad, yet. This is me trying to plan to ensure that we're not doing a fundraiser for dental work or something a few months down the road. Is that likely? I genuinely don't know - I've never been an unemployed middle-aged out queer woman whose primary gig is IT before. As with most things, some support before it's an emergency can help it avoid becoming an emergency.

That said, if you are so inclined and can do so, here are a few ways that you can support my wife and I as we deal with this new fun-filled development in our lives. Signal boosts on any/all of these are also much appreciated! New classes coming soon too.

Queen of Swords Press - buy some books! The Press is inching slowly toward being self-sustaining, but if I don't have to pump money into it for a few months, it would be a huge load off my mind (and bank account), not to mention helping it move forward. Our books are available all over the place as well as direct from the website. You can ask your local library to order them in too! Or buy them direct from us at events!
I also have a Patreon that supports the Press (Get novels in progress! Have fun guessing how it is that I do what I do! Win free books!) and there is QoSP Ko-fi if you don't want to commit to pledging, but want to kick in.
My wife, Jana, makes handmade books and boxes and she has an Etsy. She also teaches at MN Center for Book Arts, Carlton College and miscellaneous art centers. Take a class or buy a pretty box! They make great gifts.
Hire us! I write, edit and teach and am both knowledgeable and reasonably entertaining (other people think this too!) on a number of topics. Jana makes custom boxes like portfolios, wedding albums, storage boxes for old books, does repair and offers private tutorials if you want to learn more about bookbinding, box making book repair.
Finally, my bookseller pal, Dave Christenson, is experiencing some hellish health problems. He's been helping me sell off some of my mother's books that made it out here when we moved her out from NYC and we're down to the last book. If you know any Charles Lindbergh fans who might be interested, please point them Dave's way. We'd really like to get this to a new home soon