A modest proposal for Southwest Airlines

This week, director/actor Kevin Smith joined a sizable number of people who've been deemed "too fat" to fly Southwest Airlines. Apparently the directive to remove him from the flight came from the flight captain, relayed through the flight attendant. This is, on so many levels, exactly the sort of experience I'm eager to have when I fly, namely:

A flight captain not paying attention to his or her job, in this case operating the aircraft

Flight attendants given free rein to harass paying customers

Apparently this policy is intended to address several issues, the general ickiness of fat people is of course left undefined in the actual corporate excuse policy:

The comfort of other passengers (who are generally just rolling about in coach in the vast amounts of space available in your average airplane, provided there are no icky fat people nearby)

Safety. Fat people just aren't spring-loaded enough to vault out of their seats in the event of an emergency, unlike say, all other classes of traveler.

Given the safety concerns, I'd really appreciate it if Southwest would also bar (or compel to buy at least 4 seats) the following from their flights:

People traveling with any child under 13 or so. You know how long it takes them to get in and out of the seat with all that crap for the kids. Pretty scary.

Old people. Like the cutoff for fat people who are too fat to fly, too old to fly can be left up to the discretion of random airline personnel.

Anyone with any sort of lower limb impairment. This can range from full paralysis to arthritic knees to Olympic athletes with badly bruised shins.If it slows you down, you ain't sitting next to me.

Anyone with a full size laptop that they use in flight.

Anyone who consumes more than one alcoholic drink during a flight.

Anyone who spends any portion of an airline flight in anything other than a complete state of alert preparedness for the inevitable emergency brought on by airline personnel caught up in defining who should or should not be on the plane.

In the meantime while Southwest is developing a more comprehensive policy to address their concerns, I'll commit to the following:

No flying on Southwest until all passenger lists are up to my standards.

Developing a whole new appreciation for people deemed not good enough to give their money to this airline and any other that follows suit.

Edited to add: This is not a post intended to encourage airline venting and complaints about customer service so I'm going to be locking this down for the time being and deleting all the what to me are off-topic posts. I see this as about actively targetting a group of people based on what they look like, entirely mediated by individual preference.